On growing

The greatest consciousness/awareness leap so far in my life occurred after graduating university (when I was 25 years old). Throughout the following 1 to 2 years.

Awareness of how relationships grow, some stagnate and then fade (family, friends and couples). What makes them grow, stagnate and fade. Why some of them last and others donโ€™t. How important being near phsyically, common interests and goals are. What makes it easier to form friendships (a significant amount of time spent together with a common interest/goal, similar life objectives and ideologies, etc.).

Awareness on general patterns in people behaviour (including me, of course), society as a whole (how we are experiencing a pendulum swing back regarding gender, sexuality, tolerance and other issues IMO which has already happened before many times, both ways).

As well as the passage of time. The sense of how time passes faster as we grow up. With each year being shorter than the one before. Many people might have read some articles and/or seen videos where it is argued that two main factors drive this time perception change, how boring/exciting (or, in other words, how many new things we experience) our lives are and/or the proportion each day represents compared to the total we have lived so far.

For example, when we are 5 years old, 1 month represents 1.66% of your total life while when we are 25 years old it represents 0.33%.

Itโ€™s ironic how, during a depression I went through on 2020 and part of 2021, time seemed to slow down. Even after restrictions, quarantine, etc. were lifted up and life was slowly returning to โ€œnormalโ€, days seemed longer than ever before. I couldnโ€™t wait to go to bed and dreaded (more than the normal dreading) the alarm sound.

Now, every day I go to bed thinking Iโ€™d like to have done more with my day. Iโ€™d love to have some magic pill that WOULD let me sleep 2 hours and function as well as I do with 8. Which is good, because I rarely have that existential fear of the infinite โ€œvoidโ€.

What I mean in the last sentence might be hard for me to describe considering Iโ€™m writing for the first time expecting someone (somewhere, someday) to read this and english is not my native language. With โ€œvoidโ€ I mean the lack of a trascendental objective life meaning (such as religions provide). The vastness of everything and the time scale of astronomical processes in the universe as a whole whole compared to our individual and brief conscious lives. The idea that after we die it is over. Like going to sleep forever without dreaming and waking up.

But returning to โ€œmy pointโ€, all this fear, consciousness of death, etc. rarely gets me nowadays because Iโ€™m just too busy enjoying things and activities again (yay). As someone who used to overthink a lot (I have more inner mental peace nowadays) I have many times fell into this vicious cycle where you are bored/donโ€™t feel like doing anything/spend too much time thinking.

Itโ€™s a vicious cycle, because the more I thought about all the things described in the previous paragraph, the more I found anything not worth doing it (why waste time if nothing has meaning?). How I broke the cycle? I think a mix of antidepressants, therapy, returning to activities after the pandemic such as exercising, finding videogames and reading enjoyable again (not sure how it happened really).